27 October, 2009

The girl & the baby

27th October,2009.

There is this girl I know. Smart girl, emotional girl, successful girl,naive girl. Sad girl. Pregnant girl.

Recently this girl has found out she was five weeks pregnant just after a relationship break up.

First she was panicking,didn't sleep for days, she felt scared and hopeless, wasn't sure if and how to break the news to her ex. Than after screaming: "You liar!" at the 4th clear blue line positive pregnancy test, she went to see a doctor and had an ultrasound where doctor showed her this little peanut creature, at first she said she couldn't even find it on the screen so doctor had to circle him on the paper.
Now it is not such a little peanut anymore and is slowly but surly growing, has fingers and toes and all.

The doctor advised her to break the news to the father. She was gathering the courage to do it for days, and finally did it. At first he thought it was all a joke, first he was shocked, than scared, than a bit positive and than finally insulting and selfish, negative and hateful.He was mostly consumed with himself and about what will others say about it all, he did not ask her if she is ok, if she is scared, if she needs something.
Lastly, he called her to tell her he doesn't love her, to tell her he wants' to forget it all and move on with a new women who can "make him happy".

In the meantime she didn't tell a soul about it, two of us, her best friends know about the baby and are trying to be there for her as much as possible, and we know although every day she puts her brave smile on and keeps going, she is shaking inside.

On her way to the clinic, rushing from work she takes couple of deep breaths and right in front of the door before she walks in, she forces herself to stretch a big smile over her face and cheerfully saids hi to the receptionist.

Every time she goes to this fancy clinic, she sees couples excitedly holding hands, some fighting about the name or baby room color, some are visibly scared and sitting a chair apart...but they are all in couples, nobody looking perfectly happy or ready, but still they are all there together.

And than there is she. Sitting alone with the right hand instinctively on her stomach protecting the baby - as if she is telling him, hang in there little one, we will be ok.

The doctor is not making it easier on her either asking all these questions "Ouuuu this is going to be a gorgeous baby...real fighter, daddy is probably really excited! How come he did not came here with you?" and than the girl lies and saids: "He is just real busy, working and traveling a lot,has big career! He is really excited! Can't wait!"

By the end of the ultrasound, she feels the need for some fresh air...she dresses real quick keeps her smile while the elevator door closes and than breaks down and cries all the way home. She just needs a hug and somebody to tell her she is not alone and that everything is going to be alright.

The girl comes home...showers for hours thinking water will wash out all of the memories of him, all of his kisses, hugs, promises, his love, plans for the future together, his cheating, her mistakes, his lies, all of the fights...and make it all ok again, but that doesn't happen.

Next morning she dressed for work, pulls on a dark loose sweater and a big bright smile, holds her head high and bravely walks out.



23 October, 2009

Wake up call

Did you ever find yourself angry at the person you care about and not quit knowing how you got to that position at the first place? Did you ever said things and moment later wish you hadn't? Did you ever over dramatized the situation and gave up? Do you often look back and regret?

If you said "NO" to any of the above, you are in denial.

Its ok, take a deep breath once in a while, self assess, smile and be grateful. Be grateful for the people who tought you stuff - good and bad. Understand your mistakes but don't be to hard on yourself, we learn something every day, life is a journey, do not rush it. Embrace every second of it, embrace people who love you, embrace those who broke your heart - you never know, you might meet them again. Nothing is final, everything can be fixed, its all up to you.

Today we have higher buildings and wider highways, but shorter temperments and narrower points of view. We spend more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses, but smaller families. We have more compromises, but less time. We have more knowledge, but less judgement. We have more medicines, but less health.We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk much, we love only a little, and we hate too much.We reached the moon and came back, but we find it troublesome to cross our own street and meet our neighbors. We have conquered the outer space, but not our inner space.We have higher income, but less morals…

These are times with more freedom, but less joy… With much more food, but less nutrition…These are days in which two salaries come home, but divorces increase. These are times of finer houses, but more broken homes.

That’s why I propose that as of today -- You do not keep anything for a special occasion, because every day that you live is a special occasion.
Search for knowledge, read more, sit and admire the view in front of your house without paying attention to the needs. Pass more time with your family, eat your favorite food, visit the place you love. Life is a chain of moments of enjoyment; it isn’t only survival. Wear your best clothes. Do not save your best perfume… use it every time you feel you want it. Take out from your vocabulary phrases like, “one of these days” and “someday” and "sacrifize for the future".

Let’s write that letter we thought of writing “one of these days…” , tell people "I love you" , "I am sorry" and "Thank you".

Dream, lough, love, live....

04 October, 2009

After the storm has passed

Sunday, October 4th.
After three weeks long NYC vacation, I could not wait to come home and rest. Almost nothing went as planned, but I have learned about myself more than ever before. I had wonderful first two weeks and not so wonderful week following my birthday.

Good thing is that I have seen some of my friends who I had such a great time with and who were such a great support through it all, I did some shopping, I have seen many art and fashion exhibitions, I baked my first apple strudel, cleaned the apartment and tried to be a role model - supportive girlfriend, I fought a little, loved a lot, cried even more, I forgave and struggled to forget. Finally, I got a taste of what I would be dealing with if I stayed in that relationship.
I learned that I can forgive and be unselfish; I learned that not all people are able to be honest and truthful - even when you give them all your love. I realized that I to have made mistakes and I will try not to repeat them in the future. I did not know how to not love him; I only learned how to not let him go. I failed to realize how two people who are a good match for each other, with so much love, mutual plans and hopes in life just could not persevere and hang in there just a little bit longer!
However, I did learn how far I would go for love - around the world and back! I also learned that I am yet to meet the man who would do the same for me.
Even though it all came tumbling down under me, all of the future plans, my hopes, all of the dreams, the expectations of our love to stay strong and survive it all, all the invested effort and all of the emotions, I can be at peace knowing that I fought so, so, so hard for that relationship to work, I stayed gentle and caring until the very end, despite lies and pain and I still worry every day - but I did my part, now this battle is not mine to fight anymore.
Lastly, I walked away stronger and with my head up high. My only worry now are all the good memories I want to keep, these I am having hard time to let go, I wonder - If I stop thinking of you, will you be gone to me forever?