27 April, 2009

Love is calling

Now...how often do we use our phone? It’s like our life line right? Yesterday I forgot my cell at home and figured it out far to late to go back and get it, I was rushing to the meeting and while driving to work looked for it to check my emails and it was nowhere to be found...Shit! I thought!

I started panicking and hyperventilating as if I would die in a matter of seconds if I don’t find it. I was so freaked out my hands started shaking.Next, I started to think how big of a mess I am in life...so missing that one little object which makes me easily accessible to all who needs me 24-7 was making me so depressed , that I have started to question my very existence and life’s purpose?!

Naturally...within next 30 minutes I calmed down...took a several deep breathes and realized what an awfully big and thick wall I built and now I am hiding behind it, the wall of my work and the wall of busyness. Did I really think that if I don’t pick up my phone that the huge multinational gigantic company would just go bankrupt and disappear...damn I really must be very "important".

Seriously, think about it...what is that you do that it is soooo important that human kind would just not be the same if you would stop doing it? Don’t we all sometimes get consumed into our work and "importance" and "seriousness" of it that we actually forget to live and just work, we became machines, didn’t we?

Romantic and bohemian that I am, I got consumed into thinking about the emotional mess I am in right now....or better say, emptiness. I became iron lady, a stone heart.

If considering the metaphor of making a phone call, what do we do when love calls?

At first, I used to be the one calling The Love. The Love did not pick up, somebody else took his place, he was not who I fell in love more than a year ago now. I tried to call The Love many times again; the one who answeres is usually angry and rude. He is not The Love I used to know, I do not recognize my Love's voice any longer. The Love I used to know was warm and funny. He used to haul in the middle of the street, gave me great hugs, laugh at my morning confusion, listened well, played word games, he loved my cooking and did this weird and cute move (for which he thought it was dancing), my Love loved me, I called him my hunk, he said I was his lady.

I loved that Love. His number is no longer in service.

Now, the Loves are calling from couple of different numbers, I am afraid to answer and say Hello. This Loves are different and unfamiliar loves. The Love that is calling me is not my Love. I used to keep looking at a phone while ringing, it was some weird number, I closed my eyes, hoping that when I open them I am going to recognize my Love's number.

Noup, it stayed the same, it just kept ringing. I used to do that a lot when I was a little girl, when I was angry at somebody I used to close my eyes real tight and hope the person would disappear...it did not work than either, and it doesn't work now. It happened only once when I kept my eyes closed really long at my mum, that she went to answer the door bell and I thought the magic happened and she disappeared, imagine my disappointment when she walked back into my room minutes later.

Anyways...I picked up the phone after all but I didn’t say a word. This New Love said he wants to be my Love....he is ok with the fact that I am quite and listening only...not quit ready to speak...his voice is unfamiliar and it doesn’t give me butterflies, it doesn’t make me warm inside....his voice is kind, he doesn’t promise that he will heel me, but he is ready to try and he keeps on talking to me...every time I hang up, he calls back...he cares.

Should I speak up and say a word, let him try to be my Love, my new Love? Or should I just tell him he dialed a wrong number?
Am I going to recognise the voice of the Love that is My Love ever again or will I keep picking up without saying a word?