24 March, 2009

Funny thing called love...

I quote: "You can close your eyes to things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel." Why not? I want to do it!

So I have closed my eyes, I do peak occasionally I have to admit, but I am trying my very hardest to keep them shut for majority of the time. Keeping in touch won't change a thing, I guess. I am aware of the fact that I have to respect the decision that was made: Its over. I gave it my all, and did not have a power to decide about the outcome.

First I blamed it on myself-i'm just not good enough, I haven't tried enough etc., than I blamed it on him, than I blamed his work, and friends bad influence and the destiny...and I said it just wasn't meant to be...

You tend to lie to yourself...get consumed with work, believe when your friends keep giving you empty phrases: "time heels all of the woons" they say..."he is not good enough for you"...and all you hear is bla..bla...bla...and all you really need is to rewind and just give a big hug to the one who hurt you ...and never let go, never let go.

There is just that one person in the whole world, and his magic touch that can heel you and make it all better. How fu...up is the fact that, this is the only person who will never ever touch you again?

I went out a lot, I had fun, I enjoy the male attention and it does help my self-esteem temporarily...Does is heel me from inside? Not so much...

Moving on completely is what I should do, forget I can't and don't want to, there was really nothing terrible to forget other than the feeling of being abandoned and betrayed by a most special person. Ouu yes, and ignoring, that is one thing that was a push over the edge.

What is that I can offer to this warm hearted kind looking stranger that is trying hard to get his chance and capture my attention? The one who is trying to treat me like a princess...while I am moving backwards like a little girl frightened and unwilling to take a candy from a stranger.

Should I warn him that he is talking to a ghost of who I used to be or give him a chance to impress me? Should I let him touch me, even if my body still trembles to a thought of being touched by another man?

How do I fool my heart?