01 November, 2008

The One

Today is a holiday in Croatia, it is the day when we celebrate the dead, visit their graves, light candles and bring fresh flowers. I lost a lot of people in my life way to early, they died. Yesterday I lost another person, I think I lost him a while ago but just found out yesterday. I lost my boyfriend.

After waiting and waiting, loving and hoping he gave up on us, just like that, the investment was not worth of return, or no ROI (for those of you who measure everything in life in $ value). Now, I am sad, mad, disappointed, hurt, feel rejected and in pain, I am crying randomly and feel lost. I feel like he abandoned me. My heart is broken. With all that being sad one would expect me to now trash him and explain what a lousy and cowardly person he is, low values, no heart, that he is nobody. However, I can't and don't want to do that. That would not be true. He is none of those things and I still love him endlessly.

Talking to my true friends who stayed with me through everything I realized some things about myself and the relationship I had. I am not a quitter, I am very romantic and believe in love and fighting for it, I am probably living in the wrong age. Love and passion are included in all of what I do. My work, my relationship with friends, family and most importantly in my romantic relationship. I fight and love passionately.

High drama? Maybe, but it is a lot of fun and also very painful to live like that, but guess what, you feel alive and you do live to the fullest! Most importantly, you can always look at everybody's face and never feel ashamed cause at all times you gave your all!

I refuse to take the easy way out and just give up but I do believe in letting go. A very smart person once said: „Let go what you love the most, set it free, if it comes back than it is yours forever and if it doesn't than you never really had it“ .
This time I did let him go because I believe that I deserve to be with somebody who is a good passionate man with strong values, somebody confident and brave, with goals in life which are not measured in $ or Ł but in accomplishments, memories and emotions. And he, he needs to find out who he really is and what he really wants, and maybe once he will even realize who he had and lost.

And me? What's going to happen with me? I am not sure. I know I can jump on the next chance with a man willing to be my shoulder to cry on tomorrow if I wanted to. But after this relationship, which I thought to be my last one, I have to many pieces to gather and feel as if I will be busy with that for a long time.

There are to many memories, silly things that remind me of him: his jeans by my bed, a package of little presents I put together to sent to him, a calendar where I was counting the days until I go to NY for Christmas and finally see him, the travel papers and passport, our song on my Ipod, the bracelet he got me and the picture of us on my laptop.
While the worse are the memories in my head which are impossible to put in the box and push to the bottom of the closet. Our first Christmas together, our „official“ anniversary on the New Years Eve, the cruise around Manhattan, stupid thing he said when he first kissed me, watching movies and being lazy on the beach, the Valentines day with rose petals and candles, dinners in the City, waiting for him for hours to come from work and sleeping on his chest, talking and drawing to each other on the webcam for hours at night, talking about our future, our apartment and having babies, this will all be hard to let go and forget.

If I ever do find a man who will be strong enough not to feel intimidated by me, who knows how to and is not afraid to deal with all the challenges which relationship and life bring, I know I will be able to give my all to him, and hope he would take my bruised up heart.

Kat :(